Insomnimusing: Allons-y!

For the briefest time - before the world flipped over - I got a tiny taste of happiness, a glimpse of hope, a dream for a future. He knew me. He knew how hard it was for me to be vulnerable again. He knew that I lived in terror of the day that I should lose him. I don't know how this could happen. None of this is right at all. This would all make a lot more sense to me if I were to look in the mirror and find myself sporting a curly mustache. "Oh, what fresh hell is this?" I worked. It did keep me busy. I had the extra work of the other two papers, as well as my usual extras for Monday and some special requests from the peanut gallery. I got it all done cleanly and efficiently. And I still broke down and cried five separate times before noon. (I specifically kept track - 'cos it seemed like a lot lately. He must take some joy in knowing he wields such power.) I ate some. It sits like a lump, but it sits. I napped in the middle of the day. I usually can't do that, ...

It's a clear, blue, warm, sunny day. I ventured out, and I have to say, I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. I know it's over. I know if he can't love me completely then he's not worthy of me. So I took my girls to lunch. Everything looked great. Tasted wonderful too. I was really making some progress, until the reggae was piped in through the sound system. That was the end of my lunch. From there we went to the grocery store. I felt progressively weaker as we proceeded through the store. The tears didn't break through until I got to the fruit. (No surprise there.) At least I made it to the parking lot before I actually got sick. So much for lunch. I had a large, empty cup on hand for the drive home. (Allow me to express here additional RAGE at the fact that my own body is so betraying me and shows no signs of relenting!) That had been the most I'd gotten into my stomach at one time in a week. My head's got it figured out, but the universe isn...

Well, my boy's got a couple more graduation parties to attend this weekend. He's off now with his girlfriend helping to build a shed before hers tomorrow. He told me today that he was getting tired of graduation parties. He's the type of boy who would rather just spend the evening hanging out watching The Office with four or five of his buddies - or watching a chick flick with his girlfriend. ♥ There are worse ways he could be. I'll take him. My girls are spending the night with a friend, so it's just me at home tonight. I'll be working this weekend (so I guess it's really a good thing that our grad party isn't this week). I'll also be doing double the work on Monday. Keep me busy. I"m going to have to go into the office soon though. I just can't handle being in public right now. My son drove us out today, and we went to order his cake and some photos. I made it until we were on our way home. Even ate a little. It was good I didn't have ...

Turns out one source of panic and hell was unfounded. I'd made a mistake, and my son's graduation party isn't until next weekend. Two weeks after grad? Who could blame me for getting mixed up? I knew the date, but somehow it never clicked into place that it wasn't this Sunday. Now, if only the rest could turn out to be some horrible misunderstanding...

Let's do a little blog housework. I've been neglecting a couple of things on here. First off, my poll wrapped up a few days ago with a respectable participation of 55 votes. Not too bad I think. On the question of "What do you think of auto-start music on blogs?" Four people (7%) responded, "I like it!" 10 people (18%) said, "It does bother me." 10 people (18%) said, "I don't like it." 31 people (56%) responded, "I'll leave immediately if it comes on." I need to mention that there was an error in the poll. It was meant to say, "It doesn't bother me," for the second choice. Still, I think the results speak clearly. I won't judge one way or another, but it's something for my fellow bloggers to keep in mind. Next, I got my first two payments from Pay Per Post. Got the cash sitting there in my PayPal account right now, with more on the way in three days. Then more coming after that. I think I like it! T...

I can step outside myself to observe in my meditations, and I am fascinated by the progressions and fluctuations of my psyche. It is in flux, it seems, with my persona setting me in one direction, while my anima sees a different course. My heart seeks logic while my head is confronting chaos. From my perspective as the observer, I can see the turmoil. Centering this soul and finding peace will take some considerable effort. Inside I see gray. It is indicative of the muddling within me. I need to pause this chronicle to focus inside for a moment.... (Ed. note: pause for meditation here) Cacophony. There is no more accurate term for it. It wasn't gray at all. It was a hundred thousand things. Images and conversations. Emotions. Memories. Subtle tones and scents and flavors. There is no sorting this just yet. I will first have to embrace it, and I am not yet able to reach directly into the heart of the hurricane. There is a resolution to this though. It is within my reach.

Surreality. Wait... What did you say? "Lightning flashes, sparks shower. In one blink of an eye, you have missed seeing," says Oma. One blink. What was real? The moment before. The moment after. Senses reeling. What? How is this possible? Who turned the world upside down? But.... I see..... A certain centered clarity... It seems to be, as it was .... as it has been I see .... I remember Ah, I understand Bit of a prick about it, though, wouldn't you say? Ok. I understand. This surreality...... Stepping through the vacuum of space Tiptoe from star to star The pretty picture of the little prince Is not real Quoth Ms. Janis: "Freedom's just another word for ... nothing ... left ... to ... lose." Free... to .... .... hmmm... In the ... absence .... I should mention that I have not eaten still. Few saltines this morning. I've lost five pounds. And I'm a little loopy, I think. Life keeps going on. Work just exploded with insanity this morning, over somethi...

A picture is worth a thousand words, they say. A single image, glimpsed for only the briefest of moments, can be enough to bring to the surface a flood of emotions so effectively suppressed for so long. Which state is better? Is it better to suppress the anger and pain, to try to get past it in the hopes that better will come? There is no talking through it. The past can't be changed. Can it ever really be overcome? Each time this memory is brought to the fore, all I can do is try to rationalize it, try to reason that the situation was such that it was all but destined to occur, but it's hard not to recognize that little - if anything - has really changed. If nothing has changed, how do I move forward?

I've officially given up the sensory deprivation experiment, although it never really got started. I have a perfectly reasonable excuse though. A character from my past has reappeared in my life, and I wanted to firmly establish my presence in my present. It might just work out for the best this way after all. I do still need my daily distractions, however, as I do not have the full access to my favorite addiction to fill my days. I've kept myself busy and productive with work and home, as well as my workout regimen. That could prove useful as well. This is to be yet another brief entry, but I have some plans that I'm hoping to implement after this weekend is over, and my big work project is completed. Stay tuned! In the mean time, contemplate this ........(click on the pic to view it full size)

Definitely worth the read... More Than Just a Pretty Face

I came across this and had to share .... 40 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex With Women . The rest of the blog is pretty good too, so check it out!

I'm just thinking about time.... Is time spent in a failing endeavor time wasted? No, it can't be. I don't even have to ask that. And with the relativity of time, the time spent can't even be quantified - or at least, it can't be qualified. Sometimes, it's hard to know - to recognize from within the situation - when it's time to spend time somewhere else. We can't be in two places at once. We place value on our time. But how much of that time do we spend on things that might not be worth our time? Or at least, not worth so much of our time. What are we missing out on during that time spent? Are we gaining more than we are losing, and when that balance shifts, how do we recognize it? It begins with frisson. With time comes comfort and familiarity. But time can also bring friction. And friction unchecked can lead to destruction. Giving it more time doesn't make anything better. How about effort? Is it worth the effort? I'm running out of effort. I ...

Part of my horoscope for today: "Today, your feelings will only get in your way and distract you from doing what you need to do." Nailed it. Hoping for maybe a little talk with a friend today. Thinking about...possibilities. Comes a time in life when one just HAS to step up and take a chance. The question becomes, "Why not?" Are there really any arguments against it anymore?

Something about today had a strange kinda vibe. Did you ever have one of those days that on the surface appeared completely normal and nondescript, but something just felt *wrong* about it? That was me today. A big part of me is thinking that an upcoming trip just might spell the end of an "us" - or maybe the beginning of the end. No particular reason. There's just something that feels *wrong.* I guess I'll have to wait and see. Yes, patience. At some point does patience become cowardice? Sometimes we just have to wait for something to come around, but do we reach a point when we are just waiting because we're afraid to actively go after it? Curious too.....that patience in one area of life can in some way seem to stoke a fire in another area. Ever notice how a stagnant period in a relationship can spur one on to attain new career achievements? Or vice versa. Are we trying to compensate for what we are lacking - as if we SHOULD have everything all at once? Or may...

Wanted: One kind and truly beautiful soul willing and capable of giving me a love as pure and complete as the love I offer in return. Is that too much to ask? Now, what about this thing called love? What it is really? That's one of those questions that if you asked a hundred people, you'd get 99 different answers. (I say 99 because one of them would be, "agree with everything my sweetie says" - that one would be wrong, of course - but somebody'd think it anyway.) And for love to work, does it require that both parties see love in the same way? Or to look at it another way, could it even be that in order for love to really work, both parties need to see love in different ways that complement and complete each other? And is it ever ok to settle for less than that? What's worth settling for, and what is settling? And if I were to come across someone, who in another circumstance of life might be perfect for me, but in life as we know it, can never be a real and la...

Have you ever seen one of those nature specials that shows the massive chunks of ice breaking away from the iceberg and crashing into the sea? I feel as if I'm living in one of those today as the temperature rises and the inch-thick layer of ice is being shed from the roof. Sporadically and without warning, the house rumbles and a huge sheet of ice falls past my window. I'll be sure to take care when I go out today and step quickly from the threshold to my car. **** Now my new blog will begin to take on its anticipated shape. (Random and meandering.....don't even TRY to make sense of it.....)  Probably a good thing nobody's reading it yet - it'll give me the opportunity to break it in a bit. :) It's late at night....and as usual, I'm nowhere near falling asleep.... The big thaw came today, and I ventured out again. It appears that not a single tree in the region escaped damage from the ice. Picked up some Chinese food and got back to my cubby. Can't beli...

I was awakened by a text message informing me that school was canceled for the day. No surprise there. A quick glance outside tells me......I can't see outside for the glaze of ice on my window screen. Well, it was a late night working on the election results, so at least I was able to roll over and go back to sleep.  I was awakened a second time by another text message....this one from *** informing me that the weather is still awful in Toronto, and he wants to go home. After Thursday, his schedule will be empty, and he doesn't return home to Vancouver until Tuesday, but he still can't find time to travel an hour to meet me in Buffalo, while I'm willing to find the time to drive seven hours to get there. Ah well... I can't let it bother me so much anymore. I did get to have a lovely chat yesterday with a dear new friend across the pond who wasn't feeling at his best. I'd hoped to be a comfort to him, but I think he managed to make me feel better instead. Or...