Insomnimusing: Allons-y!

For the briefest time - before the world flipped over - I got a tiny taste of happiness, a glimpse of hope, a dream for a future. He knew me. He knew how hard it was for me to be vulnerable again. He knew that I lived in terror of the day that I should lose him. I don't know how this could happen. None of this is right at all. This would all make a lot more sense to me if I were to look in the mirror and find myself sporting a curly mustache. "Oh, what fresh hell is this?" I worked. It did keep me busy. I had the extra work of the other two papers, as well as my usual extras for Monday and some special requests from the peanut gallery. I got it all done cleanly and efficiently. And I still broke down and cried five separate times before noon. (I specifically kept track - 'cos it seemed like a lot lately. He must take some joy in knowing he wields such power.) I ate some. It sits like a lump, but it sits. I napped in the middle of the day. I usually can't do that, ...

It's a clear, blue, warm, sunny day. I ventured out, and I have to say, I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. I know it's over. I know if he can't love me completely then he's not worthy of me. So I took my girls to lunch. Everything looked great. Tasted wonderful too. I was really making some progress, until the reggae was piped in through the sound system. That was the end of my lunch. From there we went to the grocery store. I felt progressively weaker as we proceeded through the store. The tears didn't break through until I got to the fruit. (No surprise there.) At least I made it to the parking lot before I actually got sick. So much for lunch. I had a large, empty cup on hand for the drive home. (Allow me to express here additional RAGE at the fact that my own body is so betraying me and shows no signs of relenting!) That had been the most I'd gotten into my stomach at one time in a week. My head's got it figured out, but the universe isn...

"My mama always taught me to play by the rules and to respect the rules...When you decide to change those rules - especially in the middle of the game - that is referred to as cheating" - Donna Brazile The depths of my despondency were not enough to keep me away from the Democratic National Committee's rules committee meeting to determine the allocation of the delegates from Michigan and Florida. Apparently, I can go without food or air, but I can't give up politics - not when they're this compelling, anyway. I don't know if I'll be able to manage any kind of analysis or commentary, but for now, observing the process is enough. Btw, I have been neglecting my workouts terribly, but my newly trimmed waistline still deserves some showing off. I don't recommend it, but if you absolutely must lose seven pounds in less than a week... *** WOOHOO! Update - something *settled* for Florida and Michigan. Unless there's an appeal. So......are we done yet?

Well, my boy's got a couple more graduation parties to attend this weekend. He's off now with his girlfriend helping to build a shed before hers tomorrow. He told me today that he was getting tired of graduation parties. He's the type of boy who would rather just spend the evening hanging out watching The Office with four or five of his buddies - or watching a chick flick with his girlfriend. ♥ There are worse ways he could be. I'll take him. My girls are spending the night with a friend, so it's just me at home tonight. I'll be working this weekend (so I guess it's really a good thing that our grad party isn't this week). I'll also be doing double the work on Monday. Keep me busy. I"m going to have to go into the office soon though. I just can't handle being in public right now. My son drove us out today, and we went to order his cake and some photos. I made it until we were on our way home. Even ate a little. It was good I didn't have ...

Let's do a little blog housework. I've been neglecting a couple of things on here. First off, my poll wrapped up a few days ago with a respectable participation of 55 votes. Not too bad I think. On the question of "What do you think of auto-start music on blogs?" Four people (7%) responded, "I like it!" 10 people (18%) said, "It does bother me." 10 people (18%) said, "I don't like it." 31 people (56%) responded, "I'll leave immediately if it comes on." I need to mention that there was an error in the poll. It was meant to say, "It doesn't bother me," for the second choice. Still, I think the results speak clearly. I won't judge one way or another, but it's something for my fellow bloggers to keep in mind. Next, I got my first two payments from Pay Per Post. Got the cash sitting there in my PayPal account right now, with more on the way in three days. Then more coming after that. I think I like it! T...

I can step outside myself to observe in my meditations, and I am fascinated by the progressions and fluctuations of my psyche. It is in flux, it seems, with my persona setting me in one direction, while my anima sees a different course. My heart seeks logic while my head is confronting chaos. From my perspective as the observer, I can see the turmoil. Centering this soul and finding peace will take some considerable effort. Inside I see gray. It is indicative of the muddling within me. I need to pause this chronicle to focus inside for a moment.... (Ed. note: pause for meditation here) Cacophony. There is no more accurate term for it. It wasn't gray at all. It was a hundred thousand things. Images and conversations. Emotions. Memories. Subtle tones and scents and flavors. There is no sorting this just yet. I will first have to embrace it, and I am not yet able to reach directly into the heart of the hurricane. There is a resolution to this though. It is within my reach.