Insomnimusing: Allons-y!

It's a clear, blue, warm, sunny day. I ventured out, and I have to say, I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. I know it's over. I know if he can't love me completely then he's not worthy of me. So I took my girls to lunch. Everything looked great. Tasted wonderful too. I was really making some progress, until the reggae was piped in through the sound system. That was the end of my lunch. From there we went to the grocery store. I felt progressively weaker as we proceeded through the store. The tears didn't break through until I got to the fruit. (No surprise there.) At least I made it to the parking lot before I actually got sick. So much for lunch. I had a large, empty cup on hand for the drive home. (Allow me to express here additional RAGE at the fact that my own body is so betraying me and shows no signs of relenting!) That had been the most I'd gotten into my stomach at one time in a week. My head's got it figured out, but the universe isn...

Ugh.... My ex-husband has discovered the Internet (he attempted years ago but never got beyond porn in the year or two he had access at home). He called me asking how to work it. From what I understand, he was attempting to send me an e-mail by typing my username into Google. I am stunned and a little bewildered that he somehow managed to remember a username for me that he must have encountered a very long time ago. Anyway, I suggested that if he wants to learn to use the Internet, he should go to Google and type in "how to use the Internet." As if I want to help him into my world. He said he wants to be able to communicate with me online. Uh...is that supposed to be incentive for me to teach him? I'll set the girls up with an e-mail account if it comes to it. I sure as hell don't want to hear from him anymore than I already am forced to. I'd better get some sleep. I've got an early morning of work ahead of me. Something has to turn in my favor at some point, ...

My boss was fired today. I haven't officially been informed of it yet. He didn't call me. His boss didn't call me - or even send an e-mail. I just happened to be around when another department head told her staff about it. I don't even know who my boss is now. I love this company. I wonder if they'll decide I'm expendable as well. Hmmmm...... Today was my son's - my eldest child's - last day of high school. And he informed me that he and his girlfriend are back together. That's not bad though. I like her. We have his graduation this weekend, and his graduation party will be next weekend. Nothing's ready yet. How did this get here so quickly? Funny how time works that way. The past year or two years or ten years or seventeen years seem to have flown, and yet, the past week has felt like forever, and today was just the loooooongest day, and this week is set up to be interminable. My heart is somewhere else right now, and the rest of me is a little...

"Wind's blowin' me in another direction. Ain't no use arguin' with the wind." - Dorothy Dandridge as "Carmen" in Carmen Jones Sometimes it's hard to accept the fact that you just have to accept the facts. There are things in life that - no matter how hard you try - you simply cannot control. At this moment, I have to find the strength and courage to let go and let life unfold out of my hands knowing that I have done all I can. Time to stop arguing with the wind.

"It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top." - Hunter S. Thompson It seems rather neat to draw such a distinction, but in reality, civilization is an illusion anyway. We're all in the food chain, and we can't all be on top. It's the Law of the Sea of Humanity. This so-called civilization has the same beautiful but deadly anemones. It's got sponges. It's got worms. It's got seemingly brilliant dolphins, clever seals and instinctively predatory sharks. It's got some who are just trying to blend into the sand and not be noticed, and some who live their whole lives in a shell because - let's face it - they're just too delectable a morsel if we can ever break into it, and some who just can't resist dancing atop the water just for the attention (even if it might end up getting 'em harpooned). Forget the waterline. We're all just...

I'm just thinking about time.... Is time spent in a failing endeavor time wasted? No, it can't be. I don't even have to ask that. And with the relativity of time, the time spent can't even be quantified - or at least, it can't be qualified. Sometimes, it's hard to know - to recognize from within the situation - when it's time to spend time somewhere else. We can't be in two places at once. We place value on our time. But how much of that time do we spend on things that might not be worth our time? Or at least, not worth so much of our time. What are we missing out on during that time spent? Are we gaining more than we are losing, and when that balance shifts, how do we recognize it? It begins with frisson. With time comes comfort and familiarity. But time can also bring friction. And friction unchecked can lead to destruction. Giving it more time doesn't make anything better. How about effort? Is it worth the effort? I'm running out of effort. I ...

I made a person smile today. It was a small thing. All I did was recognize a job well done. But still, that person appreciated the recognition and responded with an enthusiastic "thank you" e-mail, and I knew there was a broad smile behind it. I'm not particularly close to this person, but still, it felt wonderful to know that I had brought this instant of happiness to someone. It seems a trivial thing really. Now, I'll admit, there's a sort of preteen, bubblegum, girly feel to the personal slogan, "Make someone smile today." But think, wouldn't it be nice if more people thought that way? It doesn't have to be something important - just the tiniest little thing can bring a smile that can carry on as a slightly lifted spirit for long after the moment itself. Honestly, what girl CAN'T say that it feels good even hours later when someone in passing during the day says something as simple as, "I LOVE those shoes!"? (I'm sure guys mu...

All over the news today, it's all about New York Gov. Spitzer's prostitution scandal. One of the area news channels put together a package of "man-on-the-street" clips. I wasn't paying much attention (as I said, it's been on all day), but one young woman's quote leapt out at me: "There aren't very many noble people anymore." I could write a treatise on the nobility - or lack thereof - of man. And I could write it just from the events of these past few days or so. But that particular mood of that particular moment has passed, and I am enjoying the moment now. Isn't that what we need to do sometimes? Especially when we look around us every day and we recognize that the nobility of man is so very lacking, don't we sometimes need to just find one moment and relish it for a while? I was 'accused' of being a romantic today. It's probably true. But still, take a little moment. My little moment today was a small spontaneous event ...

Part of my horoscope for today: "Today, your feelings will only get in your way and distract you from doing what you need to do." Nailed it. Hoping for maybe a little talk with a friend today. Thinking about...possibilities. Comes a time in life when one just HAS to step up and take a chance. The question becomes, "Why not?" Are there really any arguments against it anymore?

Something about today had a strange kinda vibe. Did you ever have one of those days that on the surface appeared completely normal and nondescript, but something just felt *wrong* about it? That was me today. A big part of me is thinking that an upcoming trip just might spell the end of an "us" - or maybe the beginning of the end. No particular reason. There's just something that feels *wrong.* I guess I'll have to wait and see. Yes, patience. At some point does patience become cowardice? Sometimes we just have to wait for something to come around, but do we reach a point when we are just waiting because we're afraid to actively go after it? Curious too.....that patience in one area of life can in some way seem to stoke a fire in another area. Ever notice how a stagnant period in a relationship can spur one on to attain new career achievements? Or vice versa. Are we trying to compensate for what we are lacking - as if we SHOULD have everything all at once? Or may...

As I embark on the new adventure that is my life, I invite the faceless masses to peek into my world - and thus, the adventure begins.......