"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Remembering what was forgotten, and reliving it

All day yesterday I kept thinking that I was forgetting something. The date kept repeating in my head. May 25. That means something. I should remember something. I thought it was something I was supposed to do. Maybe a bill to be paid or an assignment that was due or a meeting I was supposed to go to or something for the girls' school. May 25 was something. But I couldn't quite place it.

This morning I remembered. It was two years ago. May 25 was the day of my son's graduation. That's not what made the day stick in my head though. On that day, P left me. He left me devastated. I won't bother to replay the situation. It's all be chronicled here before - too much. It was months and months of misery for me - so naturally the date stuck.

I felt a little better when I remembered what it was. What felt particularly better was the fact that I HAD forgotten - that I'd managed to forget. No matter how I felt that day two years ago, the fact that I could ever forget that day, on the anniversary of that day.... well, that made me feel a lot better.

That day I lost the man I loved. By his choice, he walked away from me.

Today, two years and one day later, I fear someone else may have walked away from me. Unlike that time, I was given warning that it might be coming. I was warned the walking away might be coming, but I was reassured that if it came, it would not mean that he was walking away from me. I was assured that it meant walking away from others. Still, seeing him gone, I can't help but wonder if it's true. Was he walking away from all of the others, or has he walked away from me?

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