"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Friday, October 30, 2009

Flashback Friday - I'll Be Over You

For Flashback Friday, I used to love this one, Toto's I'll Be Over You.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Munch and Gin went out trick or treating tonight with friends, so I stayed home and passed out candy. That was a tremendous waste of time and money, because only eight people showed up after I bought eight pounds of candy to give away.

For weeks, Gin had been planning to go out as a piece of paper and Munch was going to go as a pencil, which I thought would have been a really cute pair costume. But two days ago, Gin decided she was going as a soccer player and Munch found Gin's old cheerleading uniform, so she wanted to wear that.

Gin's soccer player costume transformed into a bit of a protest that we don't have a soccer team here in our little town, despite the fact that for several years now "they" have been saying that we'd get one set up. It's the perfect sort of town for it. What's holding it up, I have no idea. She got quite a few compliments on it, actually, so I'm not the only one apparently a little annoyed at the fact that it hasn't happened yet.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Getting the news via Facebook status... again

Well, it appears that my son Pooh and his girlfriend have broken up. I found this out in the same way that I found it out the last time: via his Facebook status. She is on my friend list as well,so I waited to see what would appear on hers. It finally changed, saying only that he is a great man and whatever woman ends up with him will be blessed. "But other than that I don't want to talk about it."

I have no idea what might have brought this on, as he has not yet come to me about it. I don't know that he will. Last time they split up, he actually told me - when I asked him about it - that he'd put it on his Facebook status as his way of telling me. Fairly apparent he's done that again, but this time, I would like to see if he comes to me. It's struck me out of the blue much the same as it did last time too. She was here just a couple of days ago, and they were giggling and having fun just as they always do. They made a remarkably good couple, and I've always liked her - despite some personal issues that she's had in her past. They were good influences on each other, and I never had to worry about any trouble from either of them. Frankly, I'd expected them to end up getting married. Not soon. They both want to get school out of the way and establish themselves first. But they just "felt" like a match all the way.

I expect him to come to me within the next few days, if I don't end up just doing it myself. Which I probably will. I wonder this time if it's really and truly over for good. It certainly caught me off guard.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Ah crap

I needed a morale boost today, so naturally I didn't get it. Man United lost - and to LIVERPOOL, no less. Now, I have to go on with my entire day because I have too many things to do, and I can't even wallow. I'll have to wait and wallow tonight. I'm sure the misery will last until then. They are really magnificent at disappointing just when I need them the most. Yeah, they're guys alright... But I still love them.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Win a $32,000 dream kitchen makeover!

I can't participate in this one, but I know from checking my blog stats that a lot of you can, so I'd like to let you know about the opportunity to win a $32,000 dream kitchen makeover from Maple Leaf Market.

Canadian residents can enter the contest every day to win a $32,000 kitchen makeover or one of twelve Frigidaire refrigerators to be given away by Maple Leaf Foods.

And while you're at the Maple Leaf website (this goes for non-Canadian residents too) you can pick up great cooking and kitchen tips by visiting the butcher, the baker and the pasta maker, so there's something in it for everyone. Need some advice on making great meals in minutes? They've got that here too. You can put together a meal plan in minutes, find recipes and get a customized shopping list, so you can easily find everything you need. Whether you're looking for quick and easy meals, gourmet meals, snacks or side dishes, Maple Leaf Foods has got you covered.

So enjoy the site, and don't forget (Canadian residents) to enter the contest once a day through Dec. 15 for your chance to win a dream kitchen makeover or one of twelve Frigidaire refrigerators stocked with new Maple Leaf Prime Premium frozen chicken. Every entrant into the contest will also be eligible for a $500 rebate offer from Frigidaire.


Flashback Friday - Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?

This one's timely. For Flashback Friday, I give you Def Leppard's "Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad?"

Yes, I'll admit. It's a bit pathetic of me. I've taken to heart the advice that I'm probably better off forgetting about the person who's been an endless source of frustration for so long now. But I also receive conflicting advice that he's probably worth the effort to wait out and make an attempt. Much of the conflicting advice is probably because of so many conflicting messages I get from him.

And of course, I have the additional problem of the fact that, regardless of what I decide to do, how exactly do I go about doing it? It is as impossible to make oneself not feel something as it is impossible to make someone feel something that they don't. Maybe I just need suffering. Perhaps I'm an artist. :)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

So tired

I'm so tired lately, and sad, and feeling utterly overwhelmed.

How can I get all this work done that I need to do when I have no energy - and no motivation. I am responsible for doing so much work for a paper that won't even hire me as an actual employee. Well, it's not the paper - or the editor - it's the stupid company. So I'm working and working and working for a company that won't give me a job. And I need to find a job, but I have no strength. I have no energy.

I just feel like there's a massive hole in my life, and nothing's going right, and I don't even have the will to try because it all seems so hopeless.

Top it off that with the fact that I've fallen - far too hard - for someone who can't even begin to consider being with me. And I find myself dwelling on him all the time. He's become more aware of it and has taken to avoiding me, so now I miss the friendship we had as well. It's my own fault - mostly. He'd always let me believe there could be possibilities - even saying that he knew it would be wonderful - but whenever I've confronted him with taking action on the idea, he's backed away. So rather than just letting well enough be, I had to go and push him again. So now I'm greatly feeling his absence as he's pulled away again.

If I can't even bring myself to think positively about anything, how can I make anything right again?
Hither and yon

Random Rant: Glee

As some of you know, I do all my TV watching online. It's kind of nice. I watch the shows I want when I want and I'm not a slave to the networks' schedules. I can ignore something for ages and go back and watch when I want, or I can miss something entirely and go back and catch up whenever I feel like it.

Well, I'd gotten all caught up on the few shows I normally watch, and I was looking for something else to watch one night recently. I'd heard a lot of buzz, and though I resisted even considering it for quite a while, I finally caved and checked out this new show Glee.

One of the things that first struck me in the first episode was when I saw the license plate on the first car shown was an Ohio license plate. Well, that was interesting. We don't have many shows set in Ohio. The Drew Carey Show is the last one I can think of that was really obviously set in Ohio, and Cleveland almost doesn't even count. Sort of like Chicago doesn't really count as Illinois.

But anyway, not only was this show incidentally set in Ohio, but the characters actually talked about it. I believe someone first mentioned that it was western Ohio. Well, that caught my notice. I live in western Ohio and have for almost my entire life. Of course, they weren't talking about it in exactly positive terms. It was pretty much portrayed as a dead-end. Ok, I can accept that. I've thought the same thing.

A little further into it, they referred to the town they were living in as Lima. I know Lima, quite well. It's not exactly the tiny western Ohio town I was imagining them to be living in. Lima's almost a city, by western Ohio terms. Heck, it was the place we used to drive to when we wanted to do any real shopping or eat at any place that wasn't McDonald's. Granted, in my limited experience in high school, it felt more like a city than it does now. But still, it's not the tiny little 'burg it's portrayed as in the show.

For example, it struck me in the last episode I saw that someone mentioned there were only two obstetricians in town. That was funny, as three of my four children were delivered in Lima. And there are two HOSPITALS there. Obviously, way more than two obstetricians. They do have a TV station, but seriously, would any place be big enough to have its own TV station and only have two obstetricians?

Somehow, the image of Lima they were painting bothered me a bit. The small city definitely has its problems. It's not exactly a town of the greatest reputation. But it seems to me that if they were going to pick a real place in which to set their story, they might have gone for some accuracy. Why choose a real town, then make a fictional high school and create a completely different description for the town? Wouldn't it have been just as easy, if not easier, to say "western Ohio" to give it a solid location then make up a name for the town and create it the way they want it? I can't imagine that many viewers in Lima - if there are any left - enjoyed those references to "Lima losers." And really, the overall western Ohio theme is fairly accurate, though, of course, exaggerated and silly in its execution. The show doesn't exactly make me proud to live in western Ohio, though I found it a sort of interesting novelty to see it as a location. But I'd think Lima residents might be a little pissed off at their city's public humiliation, despite any incidental interest that might be generated by the show.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Almost normal

So where are we? Well, I've been wallowing in this malaise for a little while. Ok, that's been pretty apparent. It's been personal, work and health, all piled into one big mess. I've got to wonder if there's an end to this - ever.

I'll skip over the personal and the work. I seem to have set my torpedoes on backfire on those lately, and I just can't rehash it again and again. I very carefully lay my plans then deliberately do the opposite, seeking to fail, it seems, for fear of rejection.

The health was a curious thing this weekend.

Friday night the girls were spending the night at a friend's house, so I decided to have a couple of drinks at home. After setting off another of those torpedoes I mentioned, I went off to bed early, feeling a little bit of a buzz but really nothing all that significant. About 4 a.m. I suddenly woke up feeling incredibly hot - like I'd been sleeping in a sweat lodge. I was disoriented and felt like I was melting. I went downstairs for a glass of ice water, and after I got it, I made it as far as the table before I knew I had to sit down. I couldn't take one more step. I reached out for the chair, and the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes lying on the floor. I vaguely recall hearing some sort of crashing sound, as if I'd pulled over something on my way down. I don't remember falling at all - just opening my eyes afterward. I managed to pull myself back up, picked up my glass and took two or three more steps before I knew I had to stop. I set my glass down and grabbed one of the couch pillows that was lying on the floor, and I just pulled myself down to lie on it for a moment. I lay there for a couple of minutes, taking deep breaths of the cool air, trying to stabilize myself enough that I could manage to get back upstairs. I did manage that, even made it all the way without spilling a drop of my water.

When I woke up Saturday morning I found a painful bruise on my hip and another on my knee. I must have landed much harder than I thought when I fell. My head just felt generally disoriented for the entire day.

Sunday morning I woke up and was seeing afterimages, like I'd stared at something very bright, and that lingered for about two hours. The disorientation also continued throughout the day.

Through all of this I had a headache in the spot where I get what I call my "icepick headaches." I've been getting these for many years. They're always very intense, very sharply localized, and in the exact same spot an inch and a half or so above my right temple. They're usually very brief as well. It feels like I've been stabbed in the head with an icepick. The headache this weekend was the first I can remember that lasted a long time. It was still sharp, still exactly localized to that one tiny spot, but not nearly as intense as they usually are. It was a low-grade pain but constant.

I should mention that for a very, very long time, I've suspected that an aneurysm will be what does me in. Second thought is a brain tumor. I'm still taking bets with myself.

I had two friends tell me this weekend that I need to get to a doctor immediately. That won't happen. Not only can I not afford it, but it's just not in my nature. I'll just keep going until I am felled. It's probably stupid - and an intentional stupidity, at that - but then again, that's most of my decisions, isn't it?

Btw, I am feeling better today. Almost normal again.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Flashback Friday - Last Request

I'm totally cheating on my Flashback Friday and only going back three years. But I LOVE this song, and I'm completely obsessing over it lately. Please enjoy this live version of Paolo Nutini singing "Last Request."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Rainy day thoughts

It's a gray, rainy, cold, windy, miserable sort of day. And it seems to be suiting my mood. I have no motivation at the moment, and I'm dwelling on general malaise.

I had hoped that my recent trip would have served as a sort of rejuvenator for me, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. It has only highlighted for me what my life is missing. I want to be with someone. I want to be loved and held and appreciated. Iwant someone who will make me laugh, who will make my heart race and make my mouth water, who will challenge me intellectually, who will keep my spirit young... Actually, I know exactly who I want. And he could do all these things. He already does, in fact, though we are an ocean apart. And circumstances seem to be that the geography will always keep us in this situation. He could come here and make me feel all the things I want to feel. Maybe I could even go there sometime, and he could show me all the things he's wanted to show me, and we could do all the things we've wanted to do - all the things we've talked so much about doing. But then, we would have to go home, and we would be apart again - and if it was as wonderful as we both know it could be, it would just make being apart that much worse. He has a life there, and I have a life here. I don't think he has any desire to relocate - and why would he? And I won't have the freedom to go anywhere for at least another five years - but I'd be willing then. I wish I could now.

So what it comes down to is this: do I accept that something is truly impossible? If so, can I let it go? If not, what can be done to make it happen? Is this within my power in any way?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Vaudeville.... Cirque du Soleil style!

Cirque du Soleil has never been your typical circus. It's always been so much more.

I remember seeing Cirque du Soleil for the first time on television when I was young. I never knew what to expect, but I knew this was something different. Then when I saw it, I understood. I didn't see a circus before me - I saw a dream. It wasn't comic silliness. It was grace and beauty that seemed to defy the laws of physics. It always had an element of the fun and silliness you expect from the circus. It also had the death-defying feats of human skill - but far beyond the usual tricks and stunts.

Cirque du Soleil's latest offering, Banana Shpeel, is their own unique spin on classic vaudeville. The show blends comedy and a variety of dance styles with a hilarious storyline generously sprinkled with slapstick in the tradition of vaudeville shows - but in a way that only Cirque du Soleil can do it.

With all of the actors/dancers dressed as the classic (but sophisticated) vaudeville clowns, the story follows the innocent and romantic actor Emmett as he goes for an audition for the cruel producer Shmelky, who sows terror among his minions. Naturally, Emmett falls for the beautiful lead actress, Katie, and he meets a strange and bizarre cast of characters, including the mysterious Banana Man. Emmett must find a way to win his love and escape the nefarious Shmelky. And how will the Banana Man fit in to all this?

To learn more about the show and buy tickets for a performance near you, click here.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Back home

I returned from my trip to Florida yesterday. I didn't work as I should have, though I did have plenty of time. I was completely unproductive and really did not much of anything at all. I walked around the neighborhood a bit taking pictures of buildings, had a couple of nice dinners and I read a lot of a book I borrowed from my son. It was nice seeing F again, though.

After he left, I managed to meet with an old college friend of mine (and son) who lives there, and we spent my last day in town catching up, visiting the beach, and then out on the town to drink, get silly and compare women's sexy shoes.

I came home needing a rest from my "vacation," but isn't that always the way it works?

Now that it's over, I'll have to put all my focus into finding a job again.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Under pressure

I'm in a brief lull in the day at the moment, but these aren't going to be frequent today.

I was up early and ran over to the market for some orange juice this morning, and while I was there I ran into my landlord. He'd stopped by yesterday because our heat isn't working. He said he'd have to send someone over today to look at it. So when I was at the market, he asked if the guy'd been here yet. It was only 9 a.m.! No, of course he hadn't, but that got me thinking the guy might be coming pretty quickly.

I already had my day sketched out, so I knew I had to jump in the shower this morning if I was going to get through the rest of the day on time. I raced through that, hoping that the guy wouldn't show up for the furnace while I was in there. He didn't. Now I'm waiting for him.

I have a feature story due for the paper on Friday, but I couldn't reach the guy I need to interview until yesterday. He asked if I could come in today at 3, so I have to get through that and then get back home in time to leave for the airport by 6. I think I'll have to write my article on my Blackberry on the plane or something. There's no way I can get it finished before I have to leave. Or maybe I can use a computer at the hotel. I'll probably have time to kill during the day tomorrow. I'm guessing F is going to have to be working during the day. Writing my story will give me something to do while I'm waiting. Typical. I'm always working during vacation. Even when I'm unemployed, apparently.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Flashback Friday - Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasic early '80s for Flashback Friday! Rupert Holmes sings Escape (The Pina Colada Song).