"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Rainy day thoughts

It's a gray, rainy, cold, windy, miserable sort of day. And it seems to be suiting my mood. I have no motivation at the moment, and I'm dwelling on general malaise.

I had hoped that my recent trip would have served as a sort of rejuvenator for me, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. It has only highlighted for me what my life is missing. I want to be with someone. I want to be loved and held and appreciated. Iwant someone who will make me laugh, who will make my heart race and make my mouth water, who will challenge me intellectually, who will keep my spirit young... Actually, I know exactly who I want. And he could do all these things. He already does, in fact, though we are an ocean apart. And circumstances seem to be that the geography will always keep us in this situation. He could come here and make me feel all the things I want to feel. Maybe I could even go there sometime, and he could show me all the things he's wanted to show me, and we could do all the things we've wanted to do - all the things we've talked so much about doing. But then, we would have to go home, and we would be apart again - and if it was as wonderful as we both know it could be, it would just make being apart that much worse. He has a life there, and I have a life here. I don't think he has any desire to relocate - and why would he? And I won't have the freedom to go anywhere for at least another five years - but I'd be willing then. I wish I could now.

So what it comes down to is this: do I accept that something is truly impossible? If so, can I let it go? If not, what can be done to make it happen? Is this within my power in any way?

No comments: