"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Almost normal

So where are we? Well, I've been wallowing in this malaise for a little while. Ok, that's been pretty apparent. It's been personal, work and health, all piled into one big mess. I've got to wonder if there's an end to this - ever.

I'll skip over the personal and the work. I seem to have set my torpedoes on backfire on those lately, and I just can't rehash it again and again. I very carefully lay my plans then deliberately do the opposite, seeking to fail, it seems, for fear of rejection.

The health was a curious thing this weekend.

Friday night the girls were spending the night at a friend's house, so I decided to have a couple of drinks at home. After setting off another of those torpedoes I mentioned, I went off to bed early, feeling a little bit of a buzz but really nothing all that significant. About 4 a.m. I suddenly woke up feeling incredibly hot - like I'd been sleeping in a sweat lodge. I was disoriented and felt like I was melting. I went downstairs for a glass of ice water, and after I got it, I made it as far as the table before I knew I had to sit down. I couldn't take one more step. I reached out for the chair, and the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes lying on the floor. I vaguely recall hearing some sort of crashing sound, as if I'd pulled over something on my way down. I don't remember falling at all - just opening my eyes afterward. I managed to pull myself back up, picked up my glass and took two or three more steps before I knew I had to stop. I set my glass down and grabbed one of the couch pillows that was lying on the floor, and I just pulled myself down to lie on it for a moment. I lay there for a couple of minutes, taking deep breaths of the cool air, trying to stabilize myself enough that I could manage to get back upstairs. I did manage that, even made it all the way without spilling a drop of my water.

When I woke up Saturday morning I found a painful bruise on my hip and another on my knee. I must have landed much harder than I thought when I fell. My head just felt generally disoriented for the entire day.

Sunday morning I woke up and was seeing afterimages, like I'd stared at something very bright, and that lingered for about two hours. The disorientation also continued throughout the day.

Through all of this I had a headache in the spot where I get what I call my "icepick headaches." I've been getting these for many years. They're always very intense, very sharply localized, and in the exact same spot an inch and a half or so above my right temple. They're usually very brief as well. It feels like I've been stabbed in the head with an icepick. The headache this weekend was the first I can remember that lasted a long time. It was still sharp, still exactly localized to that one tiny spot, but not nearly as intense as they usually are. It was a low-grade pain but constant.

I should mention that for a very, very long time, I've suspected that an aneurysm will be what does me in. Second thought is a brain tumor. I'm still taking bets with myself.

I had two friends tell me this weekend that I need to get to a doctor immediately. That won't happen. Not only can I not afford it, but it's just not in my nature. I'll just keep going until I am felled. It's probably stupid - and an intentional stupidity, at that - but then again, that's most of my decisions, isn't it?

Btw, I am feeling better today. Almost normal again.

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