"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Sensory deprivation ... failure

Taking a break from politics tonight....

I am early into a ... well, let's call it a sensory deprivation experiment, and, already, it's not looking good. My problem is not that it's been too hard on me. My problem is that I keep cheating on it. A little bit. I took down most of the pictures, except those that would be too hard to restore (digital) - and I caught myself peeking today. I took down the links to all the Web sites that would expose me to my certain addiction (for want of a better word), but I caught myself searching for odds and ends and images anyway - but only briefly....really. I meant to cut the ties. I really did. But the hold is still too strong. And the little reminders are everywhere.
I'm not discouraged though. It took me a while to quit smoking too, but I got the hang of it eventually. And this particular addiction break was never meant to be a permanent thing anyway. In a way, I think it was intended to prepare me - at least a little - for the day when it is a permanent thing. A test of my survival skills. You see, the thing about this particular addiction is that it's not something that's bad for me. It's been wonderful for me. It's something that I want (need?) much more. And there's no substitute. Not for me.
I'm sick today, too, so I suppose it's natural that I would be seeking out that which always gives me the most comfort. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow - then I can try again. (But I'll probably cheat....)

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