"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Emotional roller coaster

I had a decidedly unpleasant flashback today. I was watching a TV show online, and I suddenly caught notice of the background music. It was a song that I'd only heard in one context before. It was on the last CD that my former love made for me, just a short time before he left me. He was at that time finally fully admitting his love for me, which I'd waited so long for. It was a game for so long, his tap-dancing around telling me that he loved me. So much so that I would tell him I loved him, and he would reply, "tap, tap." We both knew what it meant. But he'd finally been able to break through that. He said that it was hard for him as it had never been before, because it meant so much more with me somehow. I heard that song today, and I suddenly came very near breaking down in tears. That loss I'd dealt with for so long - it's been 10 months now - it all came rushing back. I was able to suppress it. I wanted to choke it back. I've moved on. I have no choice. The story was all chronicled in the early days of this blog. For those curious enough, it's there for you to see. I would link to the old tales, but I really don't have any desire to stroll down that particular memory lane tonight.

Well it was almost immediately after that rush of emotion that my daughters decided to cause me to shift in an entirely different direction. They, yet again, took off without permission, while grounded for doing that very thing. Keep in mind, we live in a tiny, safe, virtually crime-free community, but they still were under restriction and directly defied my rule on the subject. And they've been doing it repeatedly. I went to fetch Gin from where she was supposed to be - studying with her friend for a test tomorrow - and I was told they'd gone to the park. Munch was there too. She hadn't had permission to leave at all. I've bagged up most of their toys. The rest are going tomorrow. I called their father and told him that he would take them tonight and could find a way to get them to school tomorrow - that I'd had it and he could actually be a parent for once. Wonder of wonders, after six months of not doing anything, he's suddenly got a job to do tomorrow, and he'd already committed to do the work. As always, I'm on my own on the matter. I will be taking the girls to and from school tomorrow, and they will not be leaving their room at all. They will spend that time doing their homework, then packing up their remaining toys. It should make the process of cleaning their room easier. They'll have nothing else to do. Beyond those three days, I don't know yet. I think it will be quite a while before they get to do anything anymore.

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