"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Not even a step

I'm starting to feel like I did a year and a half ago. I've been in this melancholy for a while now, but it's beginning to feel like a real depression again. The last time it was triggered by the loss of the man I loved more than any man I ever had before. This time I haven't lost anyone, because I haven't had anyone. But I think I know what it is anyway. I think I've begun to lose hope about the one I thought could be.

Sometimes I feel really stupid about it. I think about him all the time. For a while I really believed that something could come of it. I know I have this romanticized notion that you can really overcome anything if you love someone enough. And it didn't seem like that insurmountable of a thing. It's only geography. I'm not saying that we had some kind of great love. I just believed that the potential was there. And that it was worth exploring. If nothing came of it, at least we'd know. It's really not all that difficult to make that first step to find out. If it was as good as I thought it could be, then we could figure out the rest. If not, we'd know. But we can't even get to that first step, and now I'm beginning to feel the loss as if it was really there - as if all of it was really there. But we never even made the first step.

I'm not sure how I can really feel so bad about it. They say you can't miss something that you never had. That's the line of a song anyway. Of course, the next line is, so tell me why, why I could feel so bad. That's what I wonder, I guess. Why do I feel so bad?

No comments: