"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Friday, August 8, 2008

Blank pages

It was a little lonely today without Z peeking out from inside my computer. Obviously, I'm liking having him around. I did get a text message from him though, which confirms that my international texting is indeed working.
I think my new contact number might be wrong..... I've double-checked it. It's what was given to me. But apparently the test text I sent never arrived. Hmmm.... Odd... I do like the new phone though. I'd like it if I got more calls though. I love having Rob Thomas serenade me. :)

I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting today. I've certainly had some moments in the past few months. There were times when I felt like I was losing my mind, and I know there were some times that others must have thought I was. It all makes sense to me though. I was in love with a man who played with my emotions like a yo-yo. And I feel my emotions very intensely. I love with every part of me. It gets harder and harder for me to open myself up to that kind of vulnerability. It was 18 months before I told P that I loved him - it was probably at least half that before I was even willing to admit it to myself. He tap-danced around telling me he loved me back for another several months after that. It was a running joke. It was a bad joke. By the time he did tell me, we were almost over. Every time he said it meant so much to me. And he told me more and more. Then it was over. Just like that. Is it any wonder I'm a little hesitant? When we found each other, it was just the right time....and just the wrong time. It was destined to end, but I allowed myself to hope.

So, nooooowwwww....... I don't know what look for. I don't know what to expect. Magic? Fire? Passion? Or a good person with a good heart who loves me? Three out of four? Two out of four? How much do I get? Oh, it doesn't matter right now. For right now, I'm just going to smile and live each day and really take advantage of my new perspective. I'm going to experience a little life for a while.

1 comment:

BlueJeans Gal said...

You have me curious and I'll need to go further back in here and read up. I can so relate to what you are saying...taking some time is good, when we see 'why' we attracted the relationships we have, then we can change ourselves and know that the next time, it will be different!