"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Going to sleep now...lmtfa

It's been such a hard day inside my own head. Sometimes I almost feel as if I can't possibly stand it any longer. I'm trying to recover, but every day I have someone coming in and rubbing my face in my loss, my failure, my unworthiness. I'm not all that surprised at it from her. He surprises me though. I thought he was a better man than that. Well, that was just stupid. He said even if we weren't together we would always be there for each other, always be part of each other's lives. I thought that meant we'd be friends. He didn't tell me that it meant he'd be pointing and laughing at me from a distance as I writhe in pain. I know, I know. It sounds like melodrama. I couldn't begin to describe how I felt before, so of course, I can't begin to describe what it feels like now. It's deliberate cruelty, and I feel as if I have no defense against it. I have no power at all. All I can do is ask that it stop. And I have asked.

It made me mad today. It made me mean today. But I find that I'm not all that sorry for it. I've felt so out of control of every aspect of my life. The kids have been far too free and loose with the rules and responsibilities lately, and I haven't felt strong enough to enforce anything (this is NOT typical for me), so I got a little steel and put my foot down with them. I sent off an e-mail to try to end the subtle harassment. And I rather snippily ended a long and empty conversation, but it needed to be ended. It was just more pressure. I am not READY for talk about lifetimes or love or a relationship. It's wonderful. It's perfect. It's all the things a girl wants to hear. But not NOW!! I am broken. And I don't need someone else to fix me or make me whole. I'm just trying to fix myself. I need a break for a while. But even the break is turning into more pressure.

I'm going to sleep now, and with any luck I won't be waking up in the morning. I can't remember the last time I slept in past noon on a Sunday. It sounds heavenly. Here's hoping.


Arika said...

Feel better soon!

Rachel S said...

Thank you. :) I'm getting there, but I have days like these sometimes...... I think they're past now though. This particular trigger is gone for good. Bridge burned.