"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The other shoe fell

Something bad is coming. Something bad is going to happen....soon. This is what I kept saying.
"Why?" he said to me. "Why do you think something bad will happen?"
"Because I am happy," I said. "Because I am not allowed to be happy. Something bad will happen."
"You're an amazing woman," he said to me. "I love you," he said to me. (But always with a caveat. So I knew. I didn't want to know, but I knew.) He didn't want to tell me he loved me. So I knew.
"I love you." (With an exception.) "You get me." (But it's not enough.) "No one has ever loved me like you." (But it's not enough.) "No one has ever given me so much." (But it's not enough.)
No. The one who who loved completely and unconditionally is not enough. The one who gives everything of herself is never enough.
I play by the rules. I am completely loyal and honest and devoted and dedicated and I give everything of myself. I know. That's my first mistake.
I spent three years refusing to allow anyone to get close to me. I know what happens. I know how it works. Then I fell. By the way.....that should be the tip-off right there. There ............... is .................. NOOOOOO ................. fall.................. that does not conclude with a painful landing. The fall might last a while. The landing ALWAYS hurts. This fall lasted almost three years.
My first thought is to drown my emotions in alcohol. (That's always the first thing we want to do, right? I mean....that or chocolate.) But what do I have in the house? Let's see....... Hmm, Jamaican rum. Canadian beer. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Well, I guess I just have to drink it all as quickly as possible. No problem. I'm on it. And really, if it happens to end with me spewing it forth as my body rejects the poison of it......well....somehow, that DOES seem appropriate..
My son graduated high school today. As blase as I was going into it (he was too - we're kind of that way), I found myself feeling so proud. He's such a great kid, really. He's a lazy, unmotivated, bored, disinterested teenager like any other teenager, but he's really pretty fantastic. Smart and thoughtful and just a really great kid. If only he didn't have to turn into a man.
And this day's been tainted now, too. That's not fair. But I guess, in real life, it wasn't today. Today's just the day I had to accept it.

1 comment:

G8rBryan said...

I agree. It's not the fall that kills someone, it's that sudden stop at the end.
Hearts should be equipped with some kind of emotional parachute when they "fall".
After my 10 year marriage ended I drowned my sorrows and pity in alcohol for about 6 months. Thankfully I had a friend that refused to allow me to hit rock-bottom.