"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Monday, September 22, 2008

Make it stop

I spent a long, miserable birthday in the office today. My mother called and invited me to lunch, likely because she knew no one there would be offering. With an office full of signs posted with the September birthdays, no one said a thing to me. One person did send an e-mail to me. I was ridiculously grateful for that one acknowledgment. The two birthdays last week - the only other two birthdays in the office this month - got balloons and streamers. I knew that wouldn't happen. I've been there six years this month. Longer than about 90 percent of the staff.

If you want to make friends, be one. Isn't that what they say? I'm kind and generous and loyal and loving and helpful. I don't know what more I can do. I've spent immeasurable amounts of time being there for other people whenever they've needed someone. I've listened. I've comforted. I've never been too busy to help. But no one is there for me.

All I could think about today was the fact that I don't matter to anyone outside my own immediate family. I have no one. I got more kind words for my birthday in my comments on this blog than I did in my real life. I got lots of good wishes on my Facebook wall from my imaginary friends. But in my real life, I have no friends, no relationship and no life. I am so tired of being miserable and alone. I have spent most of this day in tears - alone. I wake up in the morning just hoping that this will be the day that it ends, wishing that an explosive aneurysm will just take me out, just make this stop.


Angel said...

I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better, but I know that there really isn't. There was no way that I could read this post, drop my card, and leave without saying something though. I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time right now, and I hope that you wake up tomorrow, and things look brighter for you. Stay strong, and keep fighting. Sending big {{{HUGS}}}

Daily Blissings said...

well here's another happy birthday wish from another online friend. Get out there and mix it up girlfriend!


Lotus Flower said...

Angel is right. There's no way for us to know what you exactly feel today. But, here's the thing. This too will pass. Believe me I Have been there - feeling all alone, isolated, no one caring. That was a long, long time ago. But here I am, today, still battling it out.

Perhaps, counting your blessings will help, thankful that you are not situated in a war ravaged country; that you still have a job; that you have a family who love and care for you.

Your co-workers? Forget about them. And maybe, next time try to stop yourself from being there for everyone.

You deserve to be happy, blogging friend!!!

Happy birthday to you! I hope these comments will at least bring a smile on your lips.

Life is beautiful.


Ivanhoe said...

Oh no. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it better...

Natural said...

oh wow, i feel bad for you. i too have said that if you want a friend you have to be a friend....i actually seek out those that are quiet at my job..i'm one of the quiet one, but I can turn this on or off. I'm comfortable being alone and I'm comfortable being around people.

I have the same issue at work, I'm ALWAYS helping, but if I ask for help, I bet you not too many people would come running, at least NOT the people who ask for my help the most. Some would though.

Hey I'm going to put you in my reader and follow along with you. If you need some building up or company via email, send me one any time.

Natural said...

btw, LOVE the dylan thomas poem up top

though lovers be lost, love shall not and death shall have no dominion.


Goddess said...

Thanks to everyone for the kind words. It's been a while since I've had a bout of depression hit me like this one, but at least it seems to be passing much more quickly. The last one lasted nearly two months, during which I lost nearly 20 pounds. (On the plus side, I can now wear clothes I haven't fit into for ten years.) Sometimes it helps just to know that there is someone listening. You all are wonderful!