"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Spontaneous heart reaction

Can I be blamed for a spontaneous gut reaction? Or more accurately, I suppose, it should be called a spontaneous (and unwelcome) heart reaction.

My daughter Gin has been watching episodes of a certain TV show online on Netflix for a while now. She likes the show. I don't blame her. I like it a lot too. We both thoroughly enjoyed season one and watching the episodes again through the last couple of weeks. But she started in on season two tonight. Not all of the episodes are viewable online, but we were watching the ones we could.

And then it started.

(If you're familiar with my past as chronicled here, you know I used to be involved with an actor. I can't really think of an appropriate term. It lasted nearly three years - although it was really the last year of it that finally consumed my soul. It consumed every part of me. I was in love with him as I have never been before. And he loved me too. We spent little physical time together, but we spent nearly every moment connected to each other online when we were home - through the power of MSN and Skype - when we were home, and whenever we were out, we were constantly texting each other. We read each others' minds. We were a part of each other. And even though we were three thousand miles apart, we were inseparable - it seemed. When he left me, I was crushed. I was inconsolable. I was completely and utterly broken.)

The episode (or the first of a couple, actually) that HE was in came on. As soon as it started I got up and said, "I'm not going to watch this one." I've gotten over him. I know I wouldn't be better off with him. But it's still hard, sometimes, and those reactions just happen. After a few minutes, I decided, "No, I can do this. It's no big deal." After all, I've sat through other things he was on without a problem ... I just know that these particular episodes he's the most like the actual "him" of anything he's done (at least anything that I'm likely to be exposed to). Now my daughter acted compassionately, without prompting, and as soon as his scenes came on, she fast-forwarded past them. But for one moment, before she was able to jump on the mouse and move past him, I heard his voice again - his real voice - and it hit me like a truck. My chest got tight. I felt like I was having a hot flash. And almost immediately, I felt like I was going to break down and cry.

I really am over him. I know I am. But I can't forget how much I loved him. And I forget how much it hurt when I lost him. It's cruel when these things come back.

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