Sunday, June 1, 2008
Grumble...growl...f**k!!! (venting....you've been warned)
It's a clear, blue, warm, sunny day. I ventured out, and I have to say, I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. I know it's over. I know if he can't love me completely then he's not worthy of me.
So I took my girls to lunch. Everything looked great. Tasted wonderful too. I was really making some progress, until the reggae was piped in through the sound system. That was the end of my lunch.
From there we went to the grocery store. I felt progressively weaker as we proceeded through the store. The tears didn't break through until I got to the fruit. (No surprise there.) At least I made it to the parking lot before I actually got sick. So much for lunch. I had a large, empty cup on hand for the drive home.
(Allow me to express here additional RAGE at the fact that my own body is so betraying me and shows no signs of relenting!)
That had been the most I'd gotten into my stomach at one time in a week. My head's got it figured out, but the universe isn't quite finished with my suffering just yet. I just hope that one day, he'll come to appreciate how deeply he was loved. Not everybody gets to have that. In fact, it's a pretty rare thing to be loved like that. I will not ever accept responsibility for not giving everything that possibly could be given from my position.
I REALLY am getting better though. I swear. And I DO get it. My head's fully wrapped around it. But I don't apologize for having a heart that will not just be shifted off. I don't apologize for not being able to just STOP loving. In fact, I would think that makes me a BETTER person. My heart is loving and generous and selfless and true and devoted and loyal and honest. Add to that the fact that I'm intelligent, insightful, witty, charming, thoughtful, completely faithful, completely THERE ... and pretty damn attractive physically, too. Most people, I'd think, WANT that in a mate. But then some people are stupid. And some people are cowards. And some people just can't SEE. And they sure as hell can't THINK.
I deserve someone way smarter than that.
(Oh how sad.....I was trying to make myself eat something, and my little one came up to me with the face of an angel, having watched me all week, held up a stack of saltines and said, "If your tummy's sad, here's those square crackers, mom.")