"I want, I want, I want ... but that's crazy"

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Under a turbulent sky

I was awake an hour and a half before my alarm this morning - again. And I spent the time being sick - again. Retching is a fantastic isometric exercise. I'll be sporting a six-pack in no time.

My past came back to me too - again. It will not be more than my past though. I don't confuse a history with a future. Even a history not properly finished is not the place to go to find the rest of my life. That flash of light in the convergence of 'new' and 'history' can be blinding. I know. I've been there, and I've seen it over and over, too. And I've never known of anyone who could be convinced that it was what it was. Only time ever seems to be able to teach that lesson.

I've got a few "less-thans" coming forward, as well. But I don't do casual. And I can't give my heart away again. And I don't know how to be only partly THERE. Few things I need to figure out as I move forward, I guess.

And I can never again underestimate the importance of intellectual compatibility. I absolutely must have someone with whom I can have really intelligent, involved, insightful, meaningful conversation - compatible not only in depth and breadth of knowledge but eager and curious always for more.

Something sort of strange has happened recently, too, that seems to have a tie to this odd twist in my life. I've had an account at Classmates.com for years - sometimes paid, most times not. In the past three years, only one or two people - total - ever signed my guestbook there. Suddenly, in just the past month or so, I've had 21 people sign it, with five in just the past week. I haven't even posted any kind of news or anything. One even wrote a nice note...she was a very close friend of mine when I was about 10 years old. This "history returning" thing seems to be a turn of the universe at the moment. Maybe something not done now needs to be done.

Curiously, as the dark gray clouds roil overhead, I'm beginning to come to a sense of peace. Or maybe it's just the exceptional cup of coffee I've made for myself.

I think I need a getaway. I'm fantasizing about a weekend in New York. It's completely amorphous at the moment, but as a concept, it seems like a winner. I don't know yet, though.

Gin and I got in just a few minutes at the tennis courts before it turned into a nice walk in a steady rain. Now that we've gotten home, it's turning a bit tumultuous out there. I think I'll take advantage of it for some meditation.........

1 comment:

UNDERGROUND said...

I love the way you write!